CotBP Parody: ZOMG That Ship Is Evil
by Charleena Anna
Summary: A lineforline parody of Curse of the Black Pearl. There is literally a parody line for every line said in the movie. So far I've done the first half. I hope you enjoy it! Many insinuated pairs and running bits.
1. A Dream Solely to Establish Characters

**Scene 1: A Dream Solely to Establish Characters and Give A Back-story That Won't Make Sense Until Much Later**

**Young Elizabeth:** _standing on bow of ship_ This is so boring… I wish a pirate would come along and make things interesting. Maybe if I sing about them they will come… _Starts to sing overrated pirate song. Gibbs grabs her shoulder and she gasps! in surprise_

**Gibbs:** Shut up, Elizabeth! Pirates are evil and they could be anywhere! You don't really want them to attack us.

**Norrington:** Hands off my future-fiancée bitch!

**Gibbs:** But she's going to bring pirates upon us! It's bad luck, and we all know how superstitious I am. And we're in some creepy fog! If nothing else, THAT should tell you something bad is going to happen.

**Norrington:** Psh, whatever.

**Gibbs:** It's also bad luck to have a woman on board the ship. Look at all this bad luck! rubs lucky horseshoe

**Young Elizabeth:** I think pirates are hella hot. I want to meet one.

**Norrington:** No way, pirates are gross. They don't have any concern for personal hygiene. Upstanding respectable men, that's who you should fancy, Elizabeth. And once you realize that it won't bother you at all that I intend to kill every pirate I meet. _Elizabeth looks at Gibbs who is still rubbing his horseshoe and seems to be chanting under his breath _

**Governor Swann:** Okay guys, I don't think my daughter should hear about death and stuff. She is much too fragile and she must be uneducated and sheltered her whole life.

**Norrington: **Terribly sorry. It won't happen again. mutters: In your company

**Young Elizabeth:** I think it's tight.

**Governor Swann:** You'll change your mind once I keep you so innocent you become brainwashed.

**Young Elizabeth:** _Goes to side of ship to sulk. She sees a parasol and then a boy floating on a piece of broken ship _ZOMYGAWHD! There's a boy floating around!

**Norrington:** Man overboard! Get him up here! I must be a hero or I'll never be Commodore! _Magically, they pull him on board_ Thank God he's breathing! If he was dead, this might not count as an act of heroism!

**Gibbs:** _spots burning ship _Jesus Christ, look at that!

**Governor Swann:** WFT happened?!

**Norrington:** They were probably stupid and let their ship blow up.

**Gibbs: **NO! IT WAS PIRATES! I TOLD YOU THERE WERE PIRATES! I'M NOT CRAZY! I'M NOT! frantically rubs horseshoe and chants some more

**Governor Swann:** Chillax Gibbs, there's no proof it was pirates.

**Norrington:** Wake up the captain. We have to tell him how I was so brave and heroic in this tragedy!

**Sailor:** Heave to!

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth, you watch out for him. That way you will be occupied and stop thinking about things that aren't proper. _She nods and walks over to the young Will_

**Young Elizabeth:** _Checks out the boy. His eyes suddenly pop wide open and he gasps loudly!_ Dude, calm down, you're fine now. We rescued you, my name's Elizabeth Swann.

**Young Will: **completely love struck W-W-Will Turner.

**Young Elizabeth:** I'm gonna take care of you, Will. _Will gets so excited at the thought, he faints. Elizabeth sees shiny!coin and rips it off his neck. _Lyke, no way! You're a pirate! _Norrington approaches and Elizabeth hides shiny!coin._

**Norrington:** He's still alive right?

**Young Elizabeth:** Uh-huh. His name is Will, which I'm assuming is short for William, and his last name is Turner. He definitely didn't have any kind of shiny!coin on him or anything, and he's totally not a pirate.

**Norrington:** _to sailors_ Alright. Get him off-deck.

_Elizabeth studies shiny!coin and looks up just in time to see EVIL BLACK SAILED SHIP MOVING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!_

End dream 


	2. The Corset Jokes Are Getting Old

**Scene 2: The Corset Jokes Are Getting Old  
**  
_Elizabeth wakes from her dream, and we now see she is much older and amazingly beautiful. She gets up and takes the same coin from her dream out of a drawer, but it isn't very shiny because it is covered with dust, thus showing us it's been hidden for a really long time, and pure coincidence she dreamed about it right before she would have the opportunity to fall into the water and therefore start the chain of events that make the movie  
_  
**Governor Swann: **I hope you're not naked because I'm coming in!

**Elizabeth:** _Places medallion between her cleavage_ No! I'm decent!

**Governor Swann:** What were you doing sleeping? It's time to get up, woman! Besides, I have a present for you. _Give her dress_

**Elizabeth: **OMG! SO CUTE!

**Governor Swann:** I know. I'm totally up on the fashion scene.

**Elizabeth:** What's it for?

**Governor Swann:** I just wanted to see how beautiful and innocent you look in it. And I thought you might wear it in public at the ceremony today so other people can see how beautiful and innocent I raised you!

**Elizabeth:** Not Norrington's promotion thing?

**Governor Swann:** Why yes.

**Elizabeth:** But those things are always so boring!

**Governor Swann:** STFU! You're going. Hopefully he'll ask you to marry him so I know you will be innocent forever! How's your dress?

**Elizabeth:** It's difficult to say.

**Governor Swann:** Well, it's all the rage, you'd think you could at least say thank you.

**Elizabeth:** No I mean it's difficult to talk, I can't breathe in this stupid thing.

**Servant: **There's a guy downstairs!

_Will is standing in the foyer, playing with a candlestick that breaks. This wasn't very funny, yet they did it again in the second movie.  
_  
**Governor Swann:** _walks downstairs after the servant _Yo, Will! How's it hanging?

**Will: **I'M NOT A EUNICH! I mean, oh, I'm good. I made your sword. _opens case and takes out the sword _

**Governor Swann: **_takes the sword and unsheathes it _Ohhhh shiny. 

**Will: **Yeah, I know. I made it super awesome because I'm in love with your daughter and I want to impress you.

**Governor Swann:** _takes the sword_ Impressive. Very impressive. Norrington is going to like this.

**Will: **Norrington? WTF? You didn't tell me it was for him! I shouldn't have spent three days straight on it!

**Governor Swann:** _enter Elizabeth_ OMG daughter! You look just as beautiful and innocent as I intended!

**Elizabeth:** _Ignores father _Will! Hey, I totally dreamed about you last night!

**Will:** _Choking _Seriously?

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth! That is hardly innocent!

**Elizabeth:** For realz, Will. About that time I saved your ass from drowning.

**Will:** I don't know how I can ever repay you for that, Miss Swann.

**Elizabeth: **Will, come on, I told you like a million times to call me Elizabeth.

**Will:** Yeah I know, but I don't have the balls to be improper. Besides, you're kinda hot when you're mad.

**Governor Swann:** There will be no talk of hotness and my daughter! We're leaving now!

**Elizabeth:** See if I ever think about your balls now, bitch.

**Governor Swann:** OMFGWEHAVETOSTOPTHISMADDNESS! _Pulls Elizabeth out of house_

**Will:** I'm sure you'll reconsider that someday…Elizabeth.


	3. The Arrival of Jack! etc

**Scene 3: The Arrival of Jack!!!, Murtogg and Mullroy Are Boring, And Elizabeth's First Fiancée**

_Jack Sparrow (!!!) is standing on the mast of a very small ship when it suddenly occurs to him that dude, it's totally sinking. He jumps into it and tries to dump the water back into the ocean, which is stupid whenever anyone tries it, no matter how sexy they are. He stops, noticing three skeletons hanging from a random rock and a sign that says "Pirates, ye be warned". Jack mutters 'dumbasses' under his breath before decided that since his ship is still miraculously sailing forward, he will go back to the mast and wait until it stops just in time for him to step onto the deck at Port Royal. What are the odds? _

**Harbormaster:** _to Jack _Hang on, dude, you have to pay me a shilling if you want your ship to stay here. _Jack looks at him like 'my ship just sunk stoopid'_ Yeah well, you still gotta pay me. And who the heck are you anyway?

**Jack:** _hands him three shillings _What d'yasay I give you more money than you ask for and you give me the post popular name you can think of so no one can possibly find me here?

**Harbormaster:** Deal. You can be… Mr. Smith. There are tons of those guys. _Once Harbormaster is turned around, Jack steals like five times as much as he gave him and walks off _

_Meanwhile, at Norrington's very boring promotion ceremony_

**Shouted orders to soldiers:** Make one of those cool archway things with your swords so Norrington can walk through!

_Norrington walks to get his promotion, unsheathes his new sword that Will spent three days on. Elizabeth fans herself and we see the blinding!sun over her shoulder, because besides the fact she can't breathe, it's apparently really, really hot out_

**Murtogg:** _spots Jack _ Whoa, whoa, whoa, you totally can't be on this dock. 

**Jack:** Oh Jeeze, I'm sorry, I had no idea. Hey, howsit that two hawght young things didn't get invited to the big fun party up at the fort?

**Murtogg:** _Falling slightly for Jack's 'flattery' _Only the Navy's best men get to watch these ships.

**Jack:** Oh, you mean like that ship? _points out the Dauntless_ Why are you standing by this little ugly one then?

**Murtogg:** Well, even though the Dauntless is a sexy ship, the Interceptor is like, hella fast. No other ship can catch up to it.

**Jack:** laughs The Black Pearl could totally pwn it.

**Mullroy:** Only because fairy tales pwn everything.

**Murtogg:** The Black Pearl isn't a fairy tale!

**Mullroy:** Uh, are you stupid? Yes it is.

**Murtogg:** No, dude, I've seen it!

**Mullroy:** Oh really?

**Murtogg:** For realz.

**Mullroy:** You're such a liar!

**Murtogg:** No it totally sailed right by me!

**Mullroy:** You've seen a ship with black sails, that's crewed by evil idiots that serve a man so evil he's like, the devil, only way grosser and with an apple fetish?

**Murtogg:** Well… no.

**Mullroy:** That's what I thought, bitch.

**Murtogg:** But I did see a ship that had black sails on it. _Jack is getting totally bored with their conversation and desides he's going to go play with the steering wheel (the helm, I think) of the Interceptor_

**Mullroy:** And you think any ship that has black sails HAS to be the Black Pearl? I can't believe you still think it's real, you're clearly deranged.

**Murtogg:** **starts crying **

**Mullroy:** Stop crying! You look like a-- _notices Jack at the wheel of the Interceptor. Murtogg stops crying _

**Murtogg:** Hey! WTF are you doing?

**Mullroy:** I thought I told you you can't be on this dock!

**Jack:** Sorry, I just got so bored with you guys talking I couldn't resist this sexy ship.

**Murtogg:** Who the hell are you?

**Jack:** Uh… Smith! Or, you can call me Smithy.

**Mullroy: **Okay, so what are you doing in Port Royal.

**Murtogg:** Yeah. And don't be all confusing, 'cause I'm really slow.

**Jack:** In that case, I'm gonna steal a ship, get some drunk guys to crew it for me, and get a whole bunch of gold, all the while being insanely clever, crafty, and sexy!

**Murtogg:** Dude, I told you not to lie!

**Mullroy:** …but he is all sexy…

**Murtogg:** Psh, like you have a chance.

**Jack:** Yeah, he's pretty much right.

_Back on the battlements of the Fort_

**Norrington:** Elizabeth, can I talk to you in private?

_Elizabeth merely nods 'cause she can't breathe and follows him up like two stairs, which is supposed to be more private. She fans herself, because apparently fanning yourself gives you air to breathe_

**Norrington: **Damn, girl, you so fine... _Elizabeth chokes a bit_ I'm sorry if your father will think this is improper, but I've pretty much wanted to steal your virginity since that time we were on the boat together at the beginning of the movie. Possibly since before that. I know you're younger than me, but it's still legal. Besides, I have everything else I want so it's only natural that I have you too. So, Elizabeth Swann, will you marry me?

**Elizabeth:** … ribs… breaking…

**Norrington:** I'll turn away to give you a moment to collect yourself… I know you must be beside yourself with joy and I don't want to keep you from celebrating animatedly.

_Elizabeth falls over battlement_


	4. Main Characters Can't Die

**Scene 4: Main Characters Can't Die**

**Jack:** _in boat with guards_...and then I do some foreshadowing! I'm totally psychic! _Elizabeth splashes into the water in the background_

**Norrington:** Elizabeth, are you done celebrating? Elizabeth? _Realizes she feel into the ocean _Elizabeth ! ZOMIGAWHD! _rips off shirt like superman to reveal sexy!man chest_

**Gillette:** _stops him_ You're not superman! It's totally amazing that she didn't hit the rocks and die! It's probably because she's a main character. But you are a secondary character! You can't afford to jump!

**Jack:** Dudes, are you gonna save her?

**Mullroy:** Uh, no.

**Jack:** _glances at Murtogg who stares back at him_ Right, I guess I will. I'm also a main character, and therefore am likely to not die. _hands the guards his effects_ Lose them and I break you in half with my karate skillz. _dives in to save Elizabeth_

_the medallion calls to the Black Pearl, making a big boomish type noise that starts up a hurricane and such which is the very subtle clue that something is going to happen._

**Murtogg:** Dude, WTF? _helps Jack with Elizabeth_ OMG She's not breathing!

**Jack:** Move! _Jack hip-checks Murtogg and slices open Elizabeth's corset, letting her immediately gasp and basically look like a dead fish, only beautiful_**Mullroy:** Whoa, cool trick.

**Jack:** It's all the rage in Singapore. Apparently, they also have corsets, and since I probably haven't been there in awhile and corsets seem to be a new trend in London, Singapore must be more trendy than London, savvy? _Notices Elizabeth's shiny!coin and fingers it in awe _How the heck did a beautiful girl like you get this?

**Norrington:** _to Jack, pointing his sword at him_ Back off my soon-to-be fiancée, bitch!

**Governor Swann:** _helps Elizabeth up_ Elizabeth! Has this corrupted you in any way?

**Elizabeth:** No, I'm still innocent at this point, father

**Governor Swann:** _sees Murtogg holding Elizabeth's corset and almost pops a blood vessel; Murtogg points at Jack; Swann looks over at Jack and almost has a heart attack_ Kill that bitch! He could have made my daughter less innocent!

**Elizabeth:** Father! Commodore, can you really kill him? I mean, he saved my life.

**Norrington:** jealous! My apologize, let's shake and make up. _offers his hand to shake; reveals 'P' for pirate on Jack's wrist_ Aw snap, I can't believe you fell for that. Beckett burned you did he? Not that I know Beckett. No one knows Beckett… yet. Mauhhahahaha!

**Governor Swann:** _Looks curiously at Norrington _Would you just hang him already?

**Norrington:** Right, sorry. Keep pointing your guns at him. Bitch number one, put handcuffs on him. _sees tattoo of a sparrow in flight_ Well, well... a Sparrow… that means you must be Jack Sparrow, because it couldn't possibly mean anything else.

**Jack:** _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, savvy?

**Norrington:** Yeah right, Captain's have ships. And you ain't got one. What now?

**Jack:** grumblegrumble

**Murtogg:** He told us he was gonna steal one!

**Mullroy:** See! I told you sexy men don't lie about anything. _hands him Jack's effects_ These are his.

**Norrington:** You have one shot… your compass is totally fed up, and, no wait, damn, your sword is okay. But seriously, what kind of freaking pirate are you?

**Jack: **Well, hey, you knew who I was. _is pulled along to be put in chains_

**Elizabeth:** Commodore, hello! I told you not to do anything to him!

**Norrington:** Ignore the girl. Keep locking him up or he won't be able to have a daring escape, not that he could 'cause he's a sucky pirate.

**Elizabeth:** He still totally saved me. 

**Norrington:** Okay, but think of all the other things he's done. You are safe, but the other things are totally inexcusable. Besides, I'm a commodore; I have to make sure I can keep my hero status.

**Jack:** Hero? You aren't even a main character.

**Norrington:** STUF n00b. _Gillette moves away from Jack_

**Jack:** BONDANGE! _throws his irons around Elizabeth 's neck_

**Governor Swann:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Jack:** I knew you thought I was sexy! Commodore, give me my stuff back and I won't do naughty things with your little girlfriend here.

**Elizabeth:** _Obviously pissed _Excuse me?

**Jack:** Now, darling, please put these back on my body while I hold this pistol to your head, it excites me. And be careful not to damage any of my sexy body parts. _she straps on his sword, puts on his hat, etc._

**Elizabeth:** I thought pirates were supposed to sweep you off your feet.

**Jack:** Not today, love. I saved your ass now you're saving mine, savvy? Gentlemen, beautiful girl, this is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught sexy man! I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow! _pushes Elizabeth away and escapes, swinging around and landing on a beam above their heads_

**Governor Swann:** OMFG shoot him already!

**Norrington:** Open fire! _Jack is shot at, but of course he doesn't get hit because he is indeed the mainest of the main characters_ Follow him! Bitch number one, that man is seriously going to die tomorrow. You make sure we catch him or I's gonna be pissed.

**Soldier:** _the soldiers run around searching for Jack_ Look everywhere except the blacksmith's shop! There's no way he'll hide there!


	5. A Short, Mostly Action Scene

**Scene 5: A Short, Mostly Action Scene**

_As it turns out, the blacksmith's shop is exactly where Jack chooses to hide! It seems all the tools in there might be able to free him of his irons, which I prefer to call handcuffs. Who doesn't like the thought of Jack in handcuffs? Anyway! Jack sees Mr. Brown and pokes him, then makes a really loud noise to see if he wakes up. Luckily, he doesn't, or Jack might have been in real trouble. Then, after failing a bunch of times to free himself, Jack decides to partake in some animal cruelty and finally frees himself! But oh no! Will has returned!_

**Will:** _Sees that the donkey has been abused and calms him down. _Sigh Stupid lazyass Brown, you never get up. _sees hammer_ Wait a minute… Brown never gets up and I didn't put this here… _notices Jack 's hat and reaches for it; enter Jack with sword unsheathed_ gasp You must be that pirate that everyone is looking for!

**Jack:** Do I know you from somewhere?

**Will:** Well I'm told quite often I look just like my father, even though in the second movie I really don't look anything like him.

**Jack:** Oh. Well anyway, I'm just going to waltz out of here now… _turns away and is about to leave when Will gets his own sword_ WTF do you think you're doing?

**Will:** I'm the best swordfighter in this movie, do you really think I'm gonna pass up a chance to show off? Besides, you tired to corrupt Elizabeth, and I love her, so I must defend her honor.

**Jack:** Ohhh… _they parry_ Okay, so you're pretty good. But what if I do this! _he steps_ Oh damn. Well, no use fighting if I don't have the advantage. _sheathes sword and walks to the door; Will throws sword which gets stuck in the door, barring the exit; Jack tries to pull it out but is unsuccessful_ Right. Well, now I think I'm going to have to kick your ass. _Will takes out a sword with a heated tip; they fight like crazy to loud, now very popular music_ Dude, there's so many swords! _looks pointedly at swords_

**Will:** Yes! That's because this is a blacksmith's shop! I make them!

**Jack:** Well snap, I guess you're right. Is this how you plan to impress the chick you told me you were in love with? Or are you a eunuch?

**Will:** NO! I will woo her with my charm, nobility, and good lucks. The swords are just a bonus… and besides, it means I'm good with my hands. Now shut up, I kill you! _They have a big drawn-out albeit sexy fight, when Jack throws dirt in Will's face and pulls a pistol on him._ That's not fair!

**Jack:** I'm a pirate, stupid. _hears men trying to break the door down_ Get out of my way.

**Will: **No! I must be noble!

**Jack:** Dude, srsly move!

**Will:** I said no!

**Jack:** I can't shoot you because I have to kill Barbossa with this shot! Now SERIOUSLY-- _gets hit on the head with a bottle of alcohol and falls unconscious _

**Soldier:** _Norrington's men break in the door _I found him! I win!

**Norrington:** Nicely done Mr. Brown. No one will believe you knocked him out because you are just an ugly drunken blacksmith. Everyone with think it was all me!

**Mr. Brown:** slurslurslur

**Norrington:** Take this pirate to the jail, minions. And we must tell everyone how this is the day Commodore Norrington caught Captain Sexy, I mean, Sparrow!


	6. When Pirates Attack!

**Scene 6: When Pirates Attack!**

**Prisoners:** _whistling and waving a bone to a dog that has the keys to the prison in its jaws_ Hey, this is just like a scene on the ride that inspired the movie!

**Jack:** If that's the case then you should know they never get the dog.

**Prisoner:** STFU!

_in the Governor's house; Elisabeth 's room_

**Estrella:** Let me dote upon you Elizabeth. _puts a bed warmer between the sheets_ Today was probably very difficult for you, with your father freaking out more than usual.

**Elizabeth:** Well, I thought Norrington might propose; who wouldn't want to marry me? But I couldn't breathe so I couldn't really laugh in his face or anything.

**Estrella:** Oh, I was talking about nearly being used as a love slave by that pirate.

**Elizabeth:** Oh. Well. blushes

**Estrella:** But you're gonna marry the Commodore!? What fun, he's totally hot.

**Elizabeth:** Yeah, he is. And he's rich and heroic and everything.

**Estrella:** What about that blacksmith, Will? He's pretty hot and heroic too.

**Elizabeth:** Don't even go there, bitch.

**Estrella:** bursts into tears and leaves

_meanwhile Will is hammering a new sword, he looks out unto the deserted street  
_  
_on top of the Fort_ **Governor Swann:** So Elizabeth said she'd marry you, right?

**Norrington:** Not yet, but I know she will.

**Governor Swann:** Oh, she will. Gosh, the weather has been really horrible since my daughter nearly drowned… 

**Norrington: **Yes, it's quite a coincidence.

**Governor Swann:** What was that loud booming noise?

**Norrington:** ZOMG! Cannon! _tackles the Governor _Everyone! Fire back in the direction that came from!

_in the jail_ **Jack:** I am familiar with that particular booming noise! _looks out of his little window_ It's the Black Pearl! Oh! Who called that?!

**Prisoner: **For realz? That's supposed to be the scariest ship ever! The crew kills everyone!

**Jack:** Well duh, they're pirates.

_the Black Pearl's guns are destroying the battlements, the pirates are now coming ashore in boats; Will takes up a sword, a hatchet, and a knife to fight the invading pirates; on the battlements; saves a maid by killing a pirate with his hatchet _

**Norrington:** _shouting orders to soldiers_ Take 'em down!

**Soldier:** Let's kick some ass!  
**  
Norrington:** Come on you dumbasses, we can fight better than this! _cannons are shot in the Black Pearl 's direction _Mr. Swann, you are the Governor so saving you is the most heroic act of all! Now hide in my office! Even though cannons are blasting through everything else, they will never hit you there!

_the Governor's house; pirates are running through the gates an knocking on the door, Elizabeth looks out the window and sees them then she runs to warn the butler not to let them in_

**Elizabeth: **_in slow motion_ Noooooooooooooooooooooo! _the butler opens the door anyway_

**Pintel:** Wazzzup? _shoots butler and the pirates swarm into the house_ Look! Up on the landing! It's a bird! _points at Elizabeth_

**Pirate:** GIRL! _Elizabeth runs upstairs_

**Estrella:** _they lock the chamber door_ OMGZ, they's totally gonna kidnap you!

**Elizabeth: **O rly?

**Estrella:** Well who else? You're the main character, not me!

**Elizabeth:** True. Well, you should hide anyway, just in case! They did kill the butler, and we only saw him for like, three seconds. _distracts Ragetti and Pintel as the maid runs out, hits Pintel in the face with the bed warmer_

**Ragetti: **Oh no you didn't! _catches Elizabeth and she releases ashes onto his head _Ahhh! It burns!!!

**Pintel:** _fully recovered_ You can't really feel it! Or I guess maybe you can, because it seems like sometimes we feel pain and sometimes we don't.

_Estrella escapes; Elizabeth is cornered on the stairs and while pirates are distracted by one of their own being taken out by a cannon that flies right through her house at just the right time and she runs away; Pintel and Ragetti are stopped by a falling chandelier and Elizabeth locks the door and then tries to get a sword out but is unable; Pintel and Ragetti break the door_

**Pintel: **singsong Come out come out wherever you are….

**Ragetti: **laughs stupidly

**Pintel:** I'm very good at hide and seek! I'm gonna get youuuuuuuuuu….

**Ragetti:** Gonna get you…

**Pintel:** _Pintel!eye appears through crack in cupboard thing_ Boo.

**Elizabeth:** Parley!

**Ragetti:** WTF?

**Elizabeth:** You heard me. No you have to take me to your captain, that's the rules. 

**Pintel:** disgusted You know the rules?

**Elizabeth:** Yep. And you can't hurt me until I talk to your captain. Neyh-neyh!

**Ragetti:** &($!

**Pintel:** Let's just get it over with.

_Port Royal street; Will is fighting with Grapple _

**Grapple:** _to Will, holding him defenseless _Hahahaha! I've got you now! _signs falls on him_

**Will:** Gosh, I'm lucky!

**Pintel:** _to Elizabeth, leading her to the Black Pearl_ Hurry up!

**Elizabeth:** gaspy and scared Will! Save me!

**Will:** _spots them _Elizabeth. OMG! _sees the same pirate he killed with his hatchet and is confused _

**Pirate:** sings The whack-a-mole game! _knocks Will on the head, and he becomes unconscious like the weakling he is _


	7. Elizabeth Seals Her Own Fate

**Scene 7: Elizabeth Seals Her Own Fate**

_in jail_ **Prisoner:** _a hole is blown in a cell, so all the prisoners can escape but not Jack. To Jack_ Sucks to be you!

**Jack:** _picks up the bone and whistles_ Damnit! Why was hole blown up in the cell next to mine!? I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! _a crash as the prison guard is thrown down the stairs_

**Twigg:** _looks a round_ Oh shit, we're lost.

**Koehler:** Wait a minute… look! In that cell! It's Captain Jack Se-Sparrow!

**Twigg:** Haha remember the last time I saw you? We marooned you on that island! Man what good times!

**Jack:** Yeah, but I got off, apparently. So you lot are actually quite stupid. _Koehler grabs Jack 's throat; Jack sees skeletal arm_ Hrm. That's different.

**Koehler:** I hate you with a fiery passion! However, I cannot kill you, because then there would be no point to this movie. _they leave_

**Jack:** Alright, ta then!

_Elizabeth is rowed across with the pirates; on board the Black Pearl_ **Bo'sun: **No one told me I could have brought back a sex slave!

**Pintel:** We weren't supposed to, but she somehow knew about parley.

**Elizabeth:** I figured I'd better do something so I wouldn't - _is backhanded by Bo'sun_

**Bo'sun: **Women must be seen and not heard!

**Barbossa:** _grabs Bo'sun's wrist _Is there a problem here?

**Bo'sun:** _Looking scared _Na..na..no sir.

**Barbossa:** That's what I thought. Hello beautiful. What brings a girl like you to a place like this?

**Elizabeth: **Captain Barbossa, I am at this juncture to debate the termination of aggression relating Port Royal.

**Barbossa:** Dude, did you just use the synonym button? That's so lame.

**Elizabeth:** Just get the f out of my town!

**Barbossa:** I'm unenthusiastic to consent to your appeal. Those synonyms add up to mean "no."

**Elizabeth:** Okay. Fine. _Takes shiny!coin out of her cleavage and dangles it over the sea_

**Barbossa:** _Playing it cool _Yeah, so what?

**Elizabeth:** Well why the hell else would you be here? Besides, this is the same ship I saw in my dream! And that means it's the same ship that I saw eight years ago when I came to Port Royal! This is the black pearl!

**Barbossa:** Yeah… well…

**Elizabeth:** Okay, if you don't really want it, I'll throw it in anyway. I don't need it. _Elizabeth lets it drop a bit and the pirates gasp! Elizabeth gives them a "uh, yeah, I win" look_

**Barbossa:** Okay, well... _chuckles _So… who are you?

**Elizabeth:** Elizabeth...Turner. Yep, Turner. That's my last name. I can't possibly get in more trouble with that name then with any other name. I'm certainly not related to the Governor.

**Barbossa:** blinkblink Tuuuurr-nner...?

**Pintel:** That's Bootstrap's last name! Ohhh, criptic!

**Barbossa:** So… how did you get this shiny!coin? Your FATHER, maybe?

**Elizabeth: **Uh… yes?

**Barbossa:** Hrm. Okay, we can leave now. But first you have to give me the coin.

**Elizabeth:** _she hands it over_ Now get out of here! _Barbossa walks away from her_

**Bo'sun: **Let's move!

**Elizabeth:** WTF? Hang on! You have to take me back!

**Barbossa:** Sorry, bitch. You're the one who said you were a Turner. If you'd have just given it to us and left maybe things would be okay. But now you belong to me! Muahhahahahaha!


	8. The Two Sexy Men Team Up

**Scene 8: The Two Sexy Men Team Up**

**Will:** _awakes on the street in the morning; to Norrington_ In case you haven't figured it out by now, those pirates from last night kidnapped Elizabeth!

**Norrington:** Yes, Mr. Turner, we got that.

**Will:** Well let's go kick their asses!

**Governor Swann:** We don't know where they are! And my daughter could be becoming more corrupt by the minute!

**Murtogg:** Hey… that sexy pirate talked about the Black Pearl!

**Mullroy:** How many times do I have to tell you the Black Pearl isn't real!?

**Will:** But the one last night did have black sails! Maybe the sexy pirate can help you find it!

**Norrington:** NO! In order to be a hero, I must find her myself. Besides, that pirate was supposed to have been hung already.

**Will:** _buries hatchet in the table_ Will angry! Will smash!

**Norrington:** _sighs _Okay, look. You make swords. You don't know how to do anything else. In fact, most people would say you are a pussy. I don't see what you could possibly do. _Under breath, so Gov. Swann can't hear him _And remember, you're not the only person around here who wants to do it with Elizabeth. Don't think I won't put up a fight. **hands him back his hatchet **

_in jail_ **Jack:** _trying to pick the lock with a bone _Come on! Damnit! _hears footsteps, leaves the bone in the lock and lies down like he wasn't doing anything _

**Will: **You! Sexy Pirate!

**Jack:** Yes, that's me.

**Will:** The Black Pearl… that was it last night wasn't it?

**Jack:** The Black Pearl is a fairy tale… shifty eyes

**Will:** Okay, so how do I find it?

**Jack:** Dude, are you on drugs? You can't find an imaginary ship. It definite doesn't go to the Isla de Muerta. Not that you could find it anyway.

**Will: **I saw it last night. It's real. Now stop playing games, tell me if you can take me there!

**Jack: **_studies his nails_ ME?

**Will:** No, I want the dog with the keys. Yes you!

**Jack:** Why me?

**Will:** They took Elizabeth with them! gets all teary and such

**Jack:** Ohhhhhhh… well, too bad for you. I'm just gonna sit here and wait to die.

**Will:** If you help me I'll let you out.

**Jack: **You can do that?

**Will:** I am an all-mighty blacksmith! I built this place, I can tear it apart! 

**Jack:** Who the hell are you?

**Will: **My name is Will Turner.

**Jack:** William? You're name is William? Are you named after your father? _shakes Will's shoulders_ Are you???!!!

**Will:** Chillax! Yes, I believe I was.

**Jack: **Right… well, I'm totally gonna help you now, for no reason other than I've had a change of heart and well, you're quite attractive.

**Will:** _they shake hands_ You're not so bad yourself.

**Jack:** Why thank you.

**Will:** _picks up a bench and places it at the bottom of the cell door and breaks the hinges with one quick movement! Wow! He just goes back and forth between being really weak and really amazing! _Come on! That made a really loud noise and someone will probably find is really soon!

**Jack:** Okay! Just let me get my stuff they took from me and then left hanging right here next to me!


	9. Sexy Pirate and Blacksmith Steal A Ship

**Scene 9: Sexy Pirate and Blacksmith Steal A Ship**

**Will: _Will and Jack stand hidden under a bridge. They stare at the ships in the harbor _**So… we're really going to steal a ship then?

**Jack:** It's called Commandeering. And yes. We are. Now, I know you're all noble, so stealing a ship, that's risky business, savvy? But you seem to be willing to do it for your bonnie lass. Now, are you willing to die for her?

**Will:** Of course I would!

**Jack:** Great! Good to have you aboard then.

**Will:** _under boat underwater with Jack in the lead_ I still can't believe we got this into the water and everything without anyone noticing!

**Jack:** Yes. It seems that the King's navy are deeply stupid. _they board the Dauntless_Okay! Listen up, this is my ship now!

**Will:** Right! So get off it! _the men laugh_

**Gillette:** You guys are such dumbasses. You need a crew. And we're certainly not going to help you.

**Jack:** _points his pistol at Gillette's nose_ Done talking?

**Groves:** _notices Gillette and his men a small boat_ ZOMG! Norrington! What do we do?!

**Gillette:** _waving and screaming from the boat_ The sexy pirate and the blacksmith stole our boat! Commodore! Be heroic!

**Norrington:** _sees the two on board the ship through his spy glass_ I told Turner not to be a little bitch. Damn him!

**Will:** _notices the Interceptor set sail _Okay, they're coming towards us. I hope this works.

**Gillette:** _to his crew about the boat_ Get on board and kill them!

**Norrington: **_he and his men board the Dauntless _Okay, we'll find them! Look all over! _Jack and Will swing onto the Interceptor and sail away; Norrington is the only one who notices_ F! Everyone, get back on the Interceptor!

**Sailor:** Oh no! _They try to re-board but many end up in the water_

**Jack:** See you later! Thanks for the ship!

**Norrington:** Quickly! After them!

**Groves:** The Interceptor is sooper fast. We should give up.

**Norrington:** I never give up! Besides, we need to get closer so we can shoot them!

**Groves:** Oh. Okay. Get the guns out! to Norrington You really want to shoot such a pretty ship?

**Norrington:** Bitch number two you will do as I say!

**Sailor:** They phucked up our ship! We can't do anything!

**Gillette:** _the Interceptor bears down on his boat_ Holy shit! Everyone jump! _they jump off just in time as the boat is broken up and sinks under the Interceptor _

**Groves:** Dude, that sexy pirate is pretty impressive.

**Norrington:** _Irritated to Groves _You are so fired.


	10. Oh For The Love Of Tortuga

**Scene 10: Oh For The Love Of Tortuga**

**Will:** _sharpening his sword _When I was little, my mother raised me by herself. But then she died and I went to look for my father. _pointed look at Jack_

**Jack:** Ah so THAT'S why you're such a little pussy!

**Will:** We're talking about my FATHER! You obviously knew him… you only said you'd help me once you learned my name. I'm not as dumb as I look.

**Jack:** Riiiiiiiiight. But yeah, I knew him. Most of the time we just called him Bootstrap though.

**Will:** Booty?

**Jack:** Yeah. He was a pirate.

**Will:** Was not! He was a merchant sailor, and a noble and heroic man just like me!

**Jack:** No, actually he was a pirate.

**Will:** LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

**Jack:** Terribly sorry to have to be the one to tell you...

**Will:** CAN'T HEAR YOU CAN'T HEAR YOU! MY FATHER WAS NOT A PIRATE! 

**Jack:** Right. _moves one of the sails so that the yard catches Will and swings him out over the sea _Okay, shut up and listen. Your father was a pirate. He was a good guy though, because believe it or not, some pirates ARE good guys. Now, deal with it and stop whining. _swings him back on board and offers him his sword_ Savvy?

**Will:** _takes the sword; dejectedly_ Yeah… okay. sniffle

**Jack:** Welcome to Tortuga! Don't you just love the place?

**Will: **_Looks at whores and dirt and general ickiness _Uh...

**Jack: **Yes, yes, it is a BEATIFUL place.

**Jack:** Scarlett ! _she slaps him_ Oh damn, I'd hoped she'd forgotten... Giselle!

**Giselle:** YO! You cheated on me, bitch, don't think I didn't just see that white-girl bitchslap you. I know what those kinds of slaps mean, okay, yous been running around on me!

**Jack:** But Giselle… you're also white. _she slaps him_ Bugger. I don't think she'll ever accept that…


	11. The Return Of Gibbs

**Scene 11: The Return Of Gibbs**

**Gibbs:** _Jack throws a bucket of water at him_ OMG! Who the f threw that? Don't you know it's bad luck to wake up someone's who's sleeping?! reaches for lucky rabbits foot, the horseshoe having been lost at sea long ago

**Jack:** Wake up, Gibbs! It's me, Jack Sparrow! See! You appeared in the beginning of the movie, and therefore the audience should have known you would come back to be important! And now! To prove your importance, I shall buy you a drink and tell you of my grand scheme and basic movie plot!

**Gibbs:** Okay! _Will throws another bucket of water at him_ No! Not more bad luck!

**Will:** Sorry, but you smell awful.

**Jack:** _they enter a tavern; to Will_ Don't eavesdrop on our conversation… _sits at a table with Gibbs very close to Will_

**Gibbs:** So… what's this movie plot now? 

**Jack:** Well basically, I'm going to get the Black Pearl back.

**Gibbs:** Man, that's phucked up. Don't you remember what they did to you?

**Jack:** _hisses _Yes. But I know what the son-of-a-bitch Barbossa will be doing… and I need you to find me a crew to help me. Even though I can manage the Interceptor with Will, I will need a large crew to go after Barbossa.

**Gibbs:** Jack, Barbossa is pure evil. God help you if you want to meddle with him. _crosses self_

**Jack:** Would you stop that!? Just get me a crew!

**Gibbs: **What makes you think you can get the Pearl from Barbossa? He wouldn't give it to you over his dead body… and he can't die.

**Jack:** Shhh! That part of the plot hasn't been revealed yet!

**Gibbs: **If they watched ANY previews at all they already know.

**Jack:** Oh yeah. Well, what they DON'T know, is that Will is the only child of Bootstrap Bill Turner… although the audience won't know why it is important yet, you will!

**Gibbs:** Ahhhhh… yes, yes I do… okay, let's get some crazy-ass sailors and go get that ship!

**Jack:** To getting the Pearl! _toasts Gibbs_

**Gibbs:** _they clink their tankards _And kicking Barbossa's ass! _drain their drinks_


	12. Okay, So You Can't Say It's A Fairy Tale

**Scene 12: Okay, So You Can't Say It's A Fairy Tale Anymore...**

**Pintel:** Barbossa said you must eat with him tonight. And you have to wear this dress for no reason. _gives her a dress_

**Elizabeth:** Well, you tell him that I am opposed to assent to his demand.

**Pintel:** He said you'd use that button again. He also said then fine, you eat with us and you're naked! HAHAHA I GET TO SEE A NAKED WOMAN! _Elizabeth snatches the dress_ Damn.

_in the Captain's cabin, the food is laid out_

**Barbossa: **_Elizabeth eats daintily_ Bitch please, you know you're starving. _Elizabeth stares at the food and then rips into it. Barbossa watches her with this creepy lusty look, like he wants to have sex with her eating. I don't mean sex with her WHILE she's eating, I mean… well, it's creepy, okay? He gives her a goblet with wine_ Drink this. Yes… oh yes… now please, have an apple. _offers her one_

**Elizabeth:** Oh shit, you poisoned it! Just like that story!

**Barbossa:** No… don't stop…

**Elizabeth:** … Why do you need me around anyway, besides watching me eat? 

**Barbossa:** _takes out the shiny!coin_ Do you have any idea what this is?

**Elizabeth:** Yes. shifty eyes It's a shiny!coin. A pirate dealy.

**Barbossa:** True. But it's also Aztec gold. There are 882 pieces of it. And it's cursed!

**Elizabeth:** Psh, please. I don't believe in fairy tales.

**Barbossa:** That's funny. A second ago you were thinking I poisoned the apple like in a fairy tale… but anyway, it really is cursed. Anyone who steals one of these gets to live in hell on earth. And my crew, we took all of them! And then we realized we couldn't eat, or drink rum, or have sex… I mean, we COULD… but we always wanted more. We need more! _Elizabeth takes a butter knife and hides it which is lame, because it's a BUTTERKNIFE! Hello!_ The only way we can enjoy life's pleasures again is to get all the shiny!coins together, and put our blood on the gold. And this is the very last coin we needed, if you haven't gotten that by now.

**Elizabeth:** So you need MY blood?

**Barbossa:** Duh. _Elizabeth stabs him with the knife; he takes it out and it is covered with very fake blood extremely high on the knife for how far she probably could have shoved it in_ Yeah… good plan. After you kill me, you can kill all of my crewmates! And then, since you don't know anything about ships, you can swim to shore! _she runs out and sees the pirates, all decaying skeletons_ Look at them! We're really cursed pirate skeletons hahaha! It's been too long, bitch! You're gonna give us your blood and then I can get drunk and have sex again! _drinks and it pours over his ribs, laughs and the crew laughs with him_ Hey! I didn't tell you to laugh!

**Pirates:** Yes, sir, sorry sir.


	13. Hella Crazy

**Scene 13: Hella Crazy**

**Gibbs:** Check it out, Jack! Here's a bunch of crazy people I roped together for you crew!

**Will:** Them? They all look… well, crazy.

**Jack:** Random sailor!

**Gibbs:** His name is Cotton. He doesn't have a first name, just Cotton, like Madonna or Cher.

**Jack:** Mr. Cotton... are you willing to do what I say even if I'll most likely say something stupid that will probably kill us? _Pauses for a few seconds _Damnit bitch, answer me!

**Gibbs:** Oh, I forgot to mention. He can't answer you. Someone cut his tongue out so he trained his parrot to talk for him. It doesn't get much crazier than that.

**Jack:** …

**Parrot:** C'mon, niggas let's go!

**Gibbs:** See?

**Jack:** Well he fits the job description.

**Will: **Certainly. 

**Anamaria:** So what do we get out of it?

**Jack:** _comes over to the voice and takes off the sailors hat, revealing a woman_ Anamaria! Darling! _she slaps him_

**Will:** You are such a player.

**Jack:** Thank you.

**Anamaria:** You took my boat, bitch!

**Jack:** Okay, well, maybe - _she slaps him again, Jack hisses at her _okay, I get it! I owe you a ship then.

**Anamaria:** Damn straight you do!

**Jack:** And so you'll get one!

**Anamaria:** I's gonna kill you if you don't keep that promise!

**Will:** Oh, he'll give you that one!

**Jack:** The Interceptor?

**Will:** _whispered _It blows up later in the movie.

**Jack:** Oooh, clever… Yes, Anamaria, you can have that boat!

**Crew:** Whoo-hoo! Boat!

**Cotton's Parrot:** Let's get this party started!

**Gibbs:** Jack! No! You can't have Anamaria onboard; it's BAD LUCK to have a woman onboard! rubs rabbit's foot again

**Jack:** Can't you go one scene without mentioning bad luck?

_a storm breaks upon them at sea _**Will:** Why the heck is Jack using that compass, it totally doesn't work!?

**Gibbs:** I'm afraid I can't tell you that! You'll have to wait until the second movie to find out! For right now you're just going to have to trust the sexy pirate.

**Jack:** Keep going through this storm!

**Gibbs:** Yes, sexy pirate, I trust you.

**Jack:** We're catching up to them! It is true that this ship is sooper fast!


	14. Caught Up To Barbossa

**Scene 14: Caught Up To Barbossa**

_on the Pearl _**Pintel:** Let's go, hotstuff. _Barbossa latches the medallion around Elizabeth 's neck and they all sail to the cave_

**Parrot:** _singing as they enter a lagoon_ 15 men on a woman's breast, yo, ho! Ho, I want some rum!

**Gibbs:** _the whole crew is looking at the wrecks strewn everywhere in the water_ There are lots of dead people here… reaches for rabbits foot with a whimper

**Will:** _watches as Jack closes the compass when Cotton stares at him too much_ So… the compass. I'm going to pry.

**Gibbs:** Okay, well, Jack got it when he captained the Black Pearl.

**Will:** ZOMGWHATJACKWASTHEIRCAPTIAN???!!!

**Gibbs:** Uh… yes. ANYWAY! Three days after they set sail for the treasure, the first mate was all "d0de, you should show us the map" and Jack was all "hrm, sure" giving proof to the fact that he is indeed a good man. And then the crew was all "let's have a mutiny!" and Jack was all "OMG I'm stuck on an island!"

**Will:** Yes… and then?

**Gibbs:** Then Jack should have been all "I only have one shot in my pistol, which I'm supposed to kill myself with because I shall soon be starving" but instead he was all "I'm captain Jack Sparrow, I will escape from this island!" and he did! And he still has that shot in that pistol!

**Will:** And he wants to use it to kill Barbossa.

**Gibbs:** Yessssssssss.

**Will:** Well, how did Jack get away?

**Gibbs:** Well, he was all "let me stand in the shallow part of the water for three days and three nights, because three is a very good number, everything happens in threes" and then he was all "now I shall rope together sea turtles and make a raft! I'm brilliant!"

**Will:** Turtles?

**Gibbs:** Fo' sho'.

**Will:** I don't believe it.

**Jack:** _Jack comes up_ Believe it. It's all true. It happened exactly as Gibbs said.

**Crew:** We're at land! Let's go!

**Jack:** Will and I are going into that cave!

**Gibbs: **And what do we do if you don't come back?

**Jack:** Follow the code, dumbass.

**Gibbs:** Aye-aye!


End file.
